I have held onto the idea that with proper planning, effort and intentions, disappointment could be avoided.
Every now and then luck and effort align to reinforce this idea. You can avoid disappointing others. You can avoid being a disappointment.
However, I see now that I believed, deep down, that disappointment in life could be avoided, universally...with enough effort.
If I worked hard enough.
If I planned well enough.
I would not be disappointed.
I would not be a disappointment.
I would be safe.
I would be worthy.
I would be loved.
But, what if this is not true? What if, even with all the planning and effort, disappointment shows up? What if, no matter what you do, disappointment is there?
What if, instead of working to avoid it, we dance with it and feel its edges. What story is it trying to tell? Why does it feel too hot to hold?
What happens when we reach down into our fear of being disappointed or being a disappointment to feel for the white hot center?
In our most recent Portals episode Laura and I discuss our brave ventures out into the land of disappointment. We share tales of heroism from encounters with needs we cannot meet and valor from wanting things that might not want us back. We discuss Laura's father, my mother and how they might be the reasons we are broken or might be the exact medicine our souls need to turn themselves smooth. We would love to share our disappointed, disappointing hearts with you. With so much gratitude for you all, Sascha